Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Pass the Tofu B*tches

I like food. Love food. One of my favorite things to do is eat. I plan my dinner while I am eating lunch. I stuff myself full because I can’t stand the thought of missing out on one more taste. You get the freaking picture.

But, I have a secret to tell y’all…

I have not had any meat, eggs, coffee (or any caffeine for that matter), milk, or refined sugars since June 6th. Yea, you heard me. No, I am not going vegan. I don’t care what those Skinny Bitches say, I am eating cheese and yogurt. I see your stink eyes. Yes, cheese and yogurt are technically milk but I’m talking about in my smoothie, on my granola type milk.

After filling my body with abused and hormone injected rotting flesh for 24 years, I decided that maybe my tummy wasn’t meant to digest this sh*t. And now that you think about it, yours probably isn’t either huh? Therefore, I’m reaching for the Tofu. And I feel good. And my digestive system is sending me rainbow laced smiles every day. And my skin is glowing with healthy non-caffeine depleted rays of hydration.

Here comes the tricky part…. My dad’s side of the family are cattle farmers. They make their living on raising and selling beef cattle. Not so sure how this is gonna go down at Thanksgiving but I guess that leaves me a lot of time to practice my monologue and tighten my abs because I will most likely be punched in the gut and/or stoned.

But alas, those bruises will heal and all the chickens and goats and cows and birds will love me and be my friend. And you will spill your scalding hot pesticide laced coffee all down your cellulite covered arms. Too much? Maybe I got a little carried away.

I am making lifestyle decisions. But they still include wine. I’m not going totally Gwyneth on y’all.


No comments: